The Napkin Lists: Return of the Napkins

Its just one of those days, I'm bored with nothing to do, and nothing is holding my interest. This makes me sad, and I know everyone gets like this and that's why I am making it my intention to take away that lethargy and replace it with some deep insights and words that will make your insides smile. And so, here is the return of the Napkin Lists and a double whammy today!

How To Fit Into Society

1. Stop being a unique and interesting individual

2. Become generic

3. Stop hanging out with your unicorn friends



How To Be Happy

1. Realise all the faults in your life, time you have wasted and things you haven’t done. The years spent being educated that haven’t thought you anything or wielded any fruits, the job and boss you dread waking up every morning for, and every moment spent in that place where you feel your soul drying out and shrivelling up into a ball of dust like a leaf near the end of Autumn, that special person in your life who secretly despise and wish every time they begin to speak that they would just leave you for someone else.

2. Accept it and move on

3. Smile. Smile because you can do something that many others can’t live your life the way it is, without constantly boring yourself with all your complaints

4. Capture a fairy creature and collect all the happiness and loveliness that hey defecate.

5. Live forever on Unicorn blood.

Yup, that is what a half eaten rotting unicorn limb looks like in the hands of an Emo Zombie

Punk Rock Concerts, Going Home Smelling Of Jager, Attack of the Jazz Hands and a Candleriffic Mess

I first intended on writing a blog update based on a night out at a punk rock concert in Krakow, after which we returned to the pub we were at before and proceeded to destroy the place by pouring candle wax everywhere, and seriously I mean everywhere, breaking glasses through the power of the mighty jazz hands wielded by Jazz Hands Girl and a foul stench of Red Hair who earlier had spilled Jagermeister and Orange Juice all over herself. It was to discuss the pretentiousness of musicphiles and punk enthusiasts in particular and the cultural differences that exist and could be seen on this night.

But why bother going on about these things, everyone knows that anyone into a very selective genre of music, attempt to create an air of individuality, uniqueness and anti-societal substance, but in the end just becomes one of the many clogs of a sub culture, which will eventually either die out or become part of everyday culture. More then 30 years on from the 1977 ‘Music Revolution’, this has already happened. And the cultural differences, turns out when people are drinking, listening to music and wanting to mosh, nationality does not come into it.

Well, not for the most part, but one thing I have noticed while I’m here, and it is something that disgusts me. The Poles are snobbish when it comes to drink. So allow me this aside as I explain what I mean and totally diss on the culture of my host land. In a pub, bar or any where else where you’d be wanting to get plastered, the server should gladly make the drink you’ve ordered and not question it, they should be happy to, and do it without complaint! But here in Poland, this isn’t the case. Ordering a Jameson Whiskey with ice and lemon really seems to cause some confusion. This is my drink and this is how I drink it. Bartenders, particularly one I know of, seem to think this is the funniest thing ever, while others just stare at me, until I’ve explained: pour a measure over some ice and put a slice of lemon in it. Really, it’s not difficult. Now I understand some people, maybe even the majority mightn’t enjoy whiskey in this way, they might even think it’s spoilt by having it so, but they aren’t the ones drinking it. In Ireland, you wouldn’t question how someone takes their drink, no matter how curious you are. At most, a drinking buddy will ask for a taste and from my experience bar staff will even go so far, to gladly make up the sickening cocktails you’ve just invented for your drunken birthday mates, and which include Maynard Wine Gums.

Thanks Blonde Bartender at the Stables!

But anyway, back to it! Other things which I can discuss that are at least some how related. The Jager and Orange Juice is something. I’d never heard of this before, but Jazz Hand Girls tells us it’s very good, or she did at the concert and I must say I agree. Something new I will take home with me and be happy too.

I really don't know what to write now.

Good night.

The Napkin Lists: The Beginning

Once again I seem to be losing concentration, focus and as himself would say 'belief' and that's why updates have been so spaced out, as well as now I seem to be pretty busy, reading, presentations, Christmas shopping and getting ready to go home for the holidays. But never fear all my loving fans, yes I am talking to all six of you (people please follow me I crave your attention and love, I wish to be popular) I am still writing, but lately it tends to be more lists of what I have to do and nonsensicals on napkins in Coffee Heaven (Post-communist Eastern Europe's greatest institution and God how I wish they existed in Ireland) so to keep you all happy I shall be uploading these nonsensicals and generation defining writings when I have the chance and please enjoy

How to...Create a Solid Gold Rocket Horse!

1. Hunt down a Unicorn

2. Hold it down by one of its hairs. Unicorns are incredibly high maintenance and the thought of risking a split end by attempting escape would terrify it. If this fails, throw down some salt, everyone knows fairy creatures are compelled to count every grain.

3. Feed it

4. Play with it

5. Love it

6. Name it, ‘Rocket Sugar’ preferably

7. Make sure it does well at school, and has lots of friends and is happy

8. Wait for two years and then announce to the media that you have discovered a real life unicorn. Always wait two years, any less and Rocket Sugar won’t have had time to adapt and will not love you still for what you have done, any more ad you will have become too attached.

9. Make lots of money from it and then tell everyone that this celebrity wants rockets

10. Attach the rockets

11. Paint Rocket Sugar Gold

12. Fly to the Moon

Rocket Sugar, I will have you!!!

My Hourly Comics

http://www.hourlycomic.com/hourlycomicday.html

As I have expressed in earlier updates I've a lot of free time and a love of web comics, so deciding to utilise this and, at present, an insatiable urge to draw again, I decided that on some random day I would do hourly comics! The website above describes exactly what this is, but basically it's a comic for every hour that you are awake on a particular date, February first to be exact. Now I know that, its not February first, its November seventeenth when I'm writing this, probably November Eighteenth when I publish this and my comics are for November Fifteenth!

Please note, I don't have a scanner or access to one, so the quality of the uploads is pretty bad I know, but here they are anyway, and hopefully I'll have some sort of hourly photography up here too, soon.

Critique is welcomed and appreciated in the comments section, and in February when I will, hopefully, have a scanner close to hand I will try to upload some decent comics:

Finally, apologies for the lenght of this article, too much effort and hassle to align the images, and in fairness it is after four in the morning now, so I think I'm entitled, to not be bothered!

That's not nice Sam, that's not nice what you did to me!

So...

Many a time throughout my existence have I suffered some sort of traumatiztion, whether it be after discussing 'Rimming' with Mister Wiljen, and not ever being able eat a chocolate muffin again or just seeing the sad sight of an unfortunate dying animal, but never do I think have I ever suffered such a horrific moment as I have tonight at 00.10!

Poop-a-riffic ... Choc-a-riffic!

Sam, called me on Skype. And No! I don't know who Sam is, but after our little call, lasting less than a minute, I feel now, that I know him intimately, all parts of him, or at least one significant part. Yup, that's right, his penis!

Sam: Befriend me please! : )

The tale begins as Noodles, Red Hair and I (whoohoo proper grammar) were sitting discussing the topics of the day, mostly immigration, assimilation, multiculturalism in Sweden and Ireland but you know some regular stuff too. The discussion ended and I was about to make tea, seeing that I'm Irish, it seemed like the thing to do, when I saw someone was calling me on Skype. I quickly donned my giant 'call center' headphones...

Have you tried, ummm, turning it off, and aah turning it back on again?!

"Who the fuck is Sam...did someone change their contact name?!"

Answer with video, as a reflective response

The screen was black

"Shit, shouldn't have answered this!"

The screen now slowly being illuminated from the centre outwards

"What?! Oh, and that would be a penis!"

*Hang up*

*Shiver*

*Run to tell the two Roomies what horrific thing had happened!*

So I'm not exactly traumatized, after all, it's only a penis, and as icky looking as they are its not like it was going to hurt me or 'twas rotting with black syphilis or anything, least I didn't notice! But it certainly was an interesting end to the day...

Indeed!

...wonder what'll happen this time tomorrow?

Ghost bats and hobo socks

I have now for almost two months been living in a quite small apartment at Ulica Dielta with Red Hair and Noodles, and though the place is quite comfortable and lovely it does come with a few faults.
For one thing, the neighbours! We live on the top floor with two other flats, and the wall of the bedroom I share with Red Hair is sharing a wall with the guy next door's bathroom and Kitchen. Now you may ask how could we know this?! 'Have you been 'round, oh that must have been nice, did he put out a spread with biscuits and buns and offer you a drink?' No! The guy, who when at three in the morning decides its time to wash for the fifth time that day, its quite easy to hate him. But then. You see the guy, and he's so friendly when you pass him on the stairs and you just want to mother him. Put the spread out for him, but then you'd have to call it 'an assortment of food including cookies and cakes, accumulating in the drinking of beer' and that's if he speaks English. So ok, the guy likes to keep clean, that's fair enough, cleanliness is next to godliness or so I've been told, but we have to draw the line somewhere! He hoovers, shaves and fills the kettle all the time! Well not all the time, it isn't a constant state of shave, tea, wash, hoover, he only ever seems to do it at night time. Perhaps he is insomniac, or doesn't realise the pipes to his apartment run through our walls, though perhaps he's just a prick! The other night, I was keeping M'colleague company out in the hall and we'd left the door open behind us (once again, I'd temporarily misplaced my keys) and we could hear the music playing, quite loudly, from the room next to his apartment, if we could hear the music he surely knows we can hear him. The thing is though, he has friends round pretty late and plays music during the day. It's all in Polish so we can't understand but no matter what time this is, it doesn't bother me, its the constant running of water that bugs me, driving me into a state of near insanity!
But if you think I'm overreacting, let me pose a question to you. Why would a man feel the need to shower several times during the night, at one, at four and again at six? What could he be up to?!

Here's a hint...

As you can imagine, especially anyone who has ever stayed in a room that had masses of pipes in the walls, this is a pretty big point, noise, but not even the worse, or the strangest that we've got to put with here!
Ghost bats.
Yes that's right, ghost bats! And no I don't mean the ridiculously cute Macroderma gigas, also known as the False Vampire bat, native to northern parts of Australia, but rather ghost bats! The ghost of a bat, or perhaps a creature who died and as a ghost deiced to become a bat, and haunt the shit out of our flat. And before judging me too harshly for my theory let me explain my proofs.

That's some scary shit right there my friend!

As I've already mentioned we live on the top floor, that is there is nothing above us only sky, everything is below and we are all there is at this height. Yeah we can hear what clearly sounds like footsteps on our ceiling (I know bats can't walk but I know for a fact it ain't Santa Claus!), we can hear banging in the walls and all my socks have a hole in them. What else could it be only ghost bats. Oh and we also hear them making 'buzzy' sounds and acting like batteries!

I look like a feckin' Hobo

But I really do like this place, we have the most amazing view of Wawel, and living next door to Kazimeriz and only a few minutes from the market square is really handy, considering one of those places is mostly pubs and the other cafes. And so I'm choosing to believe that everywhere has at least one or two discrepancies that the landlord will always fail to mention so, I promise I will do my best, to move on and get over it. I'll make friends with the guy next door and as it is I'm sure the ghost bats are already my friends, so that's all good.

The importance of being idle

First of all my apologies, updates have been a little lacking of recent, in frequency at least, and this would imply by the way of earlier posts that I've not had as much free time or been as bored as usual, but sadly, this is not the case! Instead of posting blog updates and bothering the Internet with my own unique brand of entertainment I have been procrastinating, even from my procrastination! And I hear you ask 'how?' Well its quite simple, five little wonders that are so ridiculously addictive and distracting that its near impossible to pull yourself away

'Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate'

1. Mindjolt.com and Zynga: We've all done it, regretted it, vowed to never do it again and then started a new game or clicked on another link. These games are addictive, literally, they use subliminal mind control to hook you and then you never leave! Minjolt is the worst culprit of all, it doesn't actually trick you into thinking you've achieved anything, it just takes your time and dignity, at least with farmville you get to comb bulls, which we all know is clearly the most productive and enterprising thing you do with a bull!

2. Stumbleupon: Ok so I know I'm on record as saying this is one of the greatest things ever and, it is, but download the tool bar and you'll never be able concentrate on anything ever again so long as your computer is anywhere near you. Pushing that little button is more addictive than heroin, bad kebabs and cyanide and happiness comics (beware the blog listings, actually more addictive than stumbleupon, but easier to avoid!)

3. Chess: The game of kings, and well queens, rooks, pawns and other thingies is frustratingly addictive! If you can play, which most people can't you'll know once you play a game, and lose, you need to avenge yourself, your honour, your dignity, your pride and will not be able stop until breaking point has been reached!

I do love demotivational!

4. iTunes: This bastarding thing hates me, I swear it wipes itself clear off my laptop, duplicates every song, loses files and just pisses me off. So, I spend my evenings trying to fix it, deleting duplicates, changing everything that's some how all in upper case and putting songs that are clearly marked as a particular artist and album as that particular artist and album. Not so much a way of procrastinating enjoyed by all but let's face it the Apple Cooperation are evil, Steve Jobs is a tyrant and at some point or another the software used to run iTunes will fail on you before pissing on your grave!

How could you possibly say this isn't one of the most evil things ever!?

5. Being a Child: What more can I say but I'm easily amused and happy to do anything other than what I really should be, including playing in the leaves, dressing up and not wanting to do my work. Isn't that the way things are supposed to be?!

Can you spot the ten examples of procrastination?

And now for a little confession, I've been trying to write this update the entire day but shockingly I was distracted during the creative process and have only just finished! Its a great sense of accomplishment, and not something I'm really use to, Yay, Go Me!

Just my luck, eh?!

Travel, just about the most stressful thing you can do, booking tickets, packing, repacking, realising you've already packed your wallet and needing to unpack and repack cos you'll need it and the bottom of the bag is a really stupid place to put it, getting to the station/depot/airport/harbour/whichever on time and never mind the laborious effort it takes to actually decide where it is that you are going and when!
I've been doing, or rather attempting to do a lot of travel over the last six months or so, and have with the use of empirical evidence decided that I'm cursed!

Let's review the evidence:

• Flying to Belgium for a Birthday Party: My travel partner for this particular trip was so crippled by their fear of flying that they couldn't bring themselves to do it, not even go through security, and so we ended up after getting the bus down hanging out at Shannon Airport. Not the worst, when we were getting the bus up, we missed the one we had return tickets for by only a few seconds and had to pay for the next, and as we were setting off, another bus came, that we could have taken, for free, already paid, ARGH!
• Flying to Krakow, in order to sort Accommodation for the Erasmus: 21st of March I was supposed to fly to Krakow from Dublin, on the bus fearing the worst, that the flight would be cancelled though constantly assured it wouldn't be, we got to the Airport to see the flight boards. Everything Cancelled! FUCKING ICELANDIC VOLCANO, ended up just hanging out at Dublin Airport.

Still too soon, it will always be too soon! ARGH!

• Flying to Krakow, in order to sort Accommodation for the Erasmus take 2: Rescheduled this flight however the only time I could come happened to clash with his-self's birthday, which was hardly the most convenient. Got through the travel part ok though. Got to Krakow and it 'Flooded' now when I say flooded the river had burst its bank though twas just a light drizzle. Didn't find a place to live.
• Warsaw for EILC: In late August flew from Dublin to Warsaw with almost no hindrance, other than really pissing the scary lady off at security, cos I forgot my ridiculously thin phone was in my pocket
• Coming Home from Warsaw: Was in Warsaw for a month, then home for a few days then back to Krakow, that was the plan anyway, and seems simple enough, but Nooo! Flights booked, hostel for the nights we had to be out of Modra and before we left all had to be cancelled and rearranged only to find out that w had to fly home from Krakow instead of Warsaw, long story that I don't really understand myself or could possibly explain. So now the plan was to get a train on Sunday to Krakow, find a hostel, fly home. No good. No trains available! Fly to Krakow, from Warsaw, only choice. Stayed at The Finn's place that night and had the taxi to the airport booked, it never showed up, got a series of buses to the airport, barely making the flight. On the plane, and believe me this was a small plane, My luggage was too big, spent the hour long flight hiding it from the Air-Stewards, though thinking now they really didn't seem to care. Got to Krakow, grand, got to Dublin grand, bus to the city, grand and another bus to Limerick, long, boring, hot and starving, seat in front of me was pushed back though no one was sitting there and the lady behind took her shoes off the whole way until her stop, but got to Limerick and eventually home. Eight or so hours of travelling for something that really should never take eight or so hours!
• Flight back to Krakow less than a week later: Whizzair a delightful Hungarian airline that have the greatest luggage restrictions imaginable, had their flight delayed by four hours due to FECKIN' FRENCH STRIKES! Just hung out at Cork Airport in the end! Was supposed to depart at nine, left at one and after a three hour flight and a three hour buses journey from Katowice to Krakow made it to our apartment at eight the next morning, slept when to university at two.

Seriously, things aren't that bad, move on!

• Visiting Warsaw for some parties: Missed the 3.09 train by less than a minute, it driving off as I'm at the platform and the clock just changes to 3.10, Bollix! Easily sorted get the next train, check the timetable, one at 16.00 ask the lady for the ticket, doesn't speak English and instead of listening as I attempt Polish just keeps repeating "Nie Ma" and "Nie Wiem", Grrr, eventually she catches on,, sells me a ticket for the 15.35 train, not listed anywhere, not even on the website, five minutes to go, find the platform and I board.

Now this may not seem bad, a concentrated few incidences throughout your life, doesn't mean your cursed just sorta misfortune, no biggie! But keep in mind this is the only travel I've done, I've only been to Ireland and Poland and by the looks of it I really enjoyed hanging out at Airports, I've only Knock and Kerry left to go and they don't even count! And yeah as for the packing, there is always something I forget, never anything as important as identification, money or tickets, just the knitting needles I wish I had and the charger for my camera.

I learnt this, and then suffered

Some pictures I've forgotten about...

Squeezy mayonnaise, cider, bottle of wine, red bull, Jagermeister and of course low fat unsalted butter, got to keep in shape you know! A typical collage fridge! Though I can't really pass judgement here, at the moment ours is pretty much the same minus all the alcohol, just bad butter, mayonnaise and a lot of yogurt. I do like yogurt! And speaking of which...


All that's right and necessary in the world is no longer important, this is all that matters now!


All the colours of the rainbow, but it didn't taste like skittles! How upsetting and not as intoxicating as one might believe as it's probably not what you think! Yellow Stiffys, Sambuka, Mickey Finns (Apple Schnapps), Mickey Finns, Sambuka and Yellow Stiffys, impressed the bartender though.

Is it just me or does it seem like anyone who has ever had any interest in art seem obsessed with drawing apples, almost fetishly obsessed?! This is my own picture, done on an LG cookie fresh with the cap of a BIC biro, Yay Apples!


One of my favourite things about Poland is the traffic lights and pedestrian crossings. In Krakow if you step out onto the street traffic will come to a complete stand still for you, buses, trams, cars, the lot. Now having spent the majority of the last two years or so in Castletroy, Co. Limerick I'm used to attempts on my life every time I try to cross the road, and it doesn't matter where, I've even been beeped while on a pelican crossing at a roundabout, where cars have to stop, by law and would be incredibly stupid not to. So its nice that the little green man on the traffic lights is struttin', makes me wanna strut too.

Ah, Now herein lies the problem!

At 01.32 I should have better things to be doing, but here I am lying in bed, quite bored but not tired thanks to the particularly strong cup of coffee Red Hair, my flat mate, made for me (thanks 'twas exactly what I needed) and hence why Stephen, my laptop is balanced on my stomach and taunting me with all the wonders of the Internet.

Now for a brief outline:

1. Stumble Upon, the random function, button of surprises and happiness, need I say more? yes! Oh OK, well in the top left hand corner of my screen lies a very special button and when I press it, it takes away my boredom, surely the greatest invention of all time. Its because of this little guy I read many of the web comics I do and regularly catalogue so many websites, such as this one with its incredible photos, moving documentaries and well this is just a fantastic site really worth checking out.

The cause of and solution to boredom everywhere

2. Web comics, well if you know me you know web comics, I've often missed classes just so I can read them, often cataloguing more than a hundred a day, see the side for some of my favorites. And this reminds me, if anyone knows anyone who has a scanner let me know, have some of my own comics I'd like to make into web comics, or at least comic on the Internet.

3. Shuffler.fm only a recent discovery of mine, thanks to good ole' stumble. This ingenious radio site navigates through the countless music blogs and will do the laborious task of discovering new music for you. Speaking of which, check out this in order to get 35 free indie pop downloads a month thanks too the Music Alliance Pact

4. Instant Messaging Ah, talking bullshit with your best friends at half two in the morning...you know who you are!

5. Omegle.com is one of those things you know you shouldn't but at any moment will get the overwhelming urge to. An instant messaging site with strangers with none of the unpleasantness of made up user profiles and instead the possibility to talk with people from all over the world. Or if your a perv, well I hardly need to explain what you do if you're a perv. A great site as long as tact is used, if the stranger asks ASL (Age, Sex, Location) disconnect and move on, or mess violently with their head: 47, Confused, alone in a dark room somewhere, if not, then enjoy talking about noodles, shooting the breeze and teaching people English.

Not how to make lasting relationships or make friends

And those my dears are the five wonders of the Internet and why, with main focus on number five at 03.52 I'm still wide awake, and why Red Hair is not particularly happy with me, ha ha whoops!

Me, not her

You know you're Irish when...

The other day I was sitting in a delightful Krakovian Cafe, hereby to be known as Gulliver's, with three other international students, one of which is Irish, just like me, and it hit me, the Irish really aren't like most other European cultures! (Now I say it hit me but this is actually something I've argued for a while now, but realised just how true it is.)

We are probably the only group of people, that when we decide to go out foreign, straight away we're googling Irish pubs, trying to find out where we can get proper breakfast and get real tea, we are also the only nationality, in my Erasmus group at least that don't feel the need to eat bread with every meal, though we do with potatoes! But what it really was that made me think just how uneuropean, i.e. uncultured, we the Irish are, was our casual discussion of Cow-Tipping

The Full Irish breakfast, a big plate of fat, grease, cholesterol and happiness

Now for those civilised amongst us that don't know what Cow Tipping is, well let me just tell you. It is a game which involves a cow, though a bull may also suffice, but this just depends on how big your balls are, and you or even better one of your drunken friends. You wait by a field and when a cow falls asleep, standing up, you run over and push it on its side!

Now this is an incredibly cruel act, which is quite difficult to do, as most of the time Cattle do not sleep standing upright though it does happen and as well as that they are pretty big creatures and even if Wikipedia says they are slow moving, believe me they are not (I know, I live in the countrysides of Ireland, cows can run, FAST!) but worst of all, Cow-Tipping can cause the animal to go into shock or even have a heart attack, you know like shaking someone awake who has been sleep walking.

Run away! Save yourselves!!!

But m'colleague and I were discussing this like no big thing, both knowing people who have done it, our European friends however, despite being mildly enthused by the idea at first, were ultimately, and not surprisingly disgusted!

And I wonder is it just me and the people I associate with that are so uncivilised, so uncultured so uneuropean, or is it us Paddies in general?!

Feckin' Irish! Cultureless sum!