After listening to what I thought was my favourite album in the first time in what seems like forever I realised it's not my favourite album. Or at the very least it couldn't be if that's how I responded to it. I'm talking about One by One by the Foo Fighters. It has some of my favourite songs on there and its by one of my favourite bands and I have often argued its merits above all other Foos' albums. But after listening to it this evening in the library while working on a stupid essay for stupid history on stupid imperialism, I just felt indifferent to it. This, I believe is incredibly unfortunate.
I guess to give it some context I should explain that I have always shared a bedroom with my younger sister, and how when she would have friends over they would sleep in the sitting room and I would stay up late hanging out in my room listening to this album on constant loop. I realise that I'm easily pleased and such an experience should not be so special or whatever. But to give it further context, I'll go on. At this time I would have been about fifteen and had insomnia (relatively mild in comparison to many other people, but had serious trouble sleeping anyway), so when I could be in my room at all hours, lights on and music playing (low but not with the need of headphones) doing stuff without bothering anyone, it was an incredibly nice experience. One always played out to the soundtrack of One by One. As such I guess I associate it with such fond memories of being alone and relaxed and not freaking out at five in the morning about not being able sleep and unable to hang posters or organise my wardrobe (I never said that I was doing exciting things).
Also it's a really great album. It's what made me decide that music would be a good vice to have, and although I've never come through on being musical (recorder, drums, guitar and even the harmonica were all write offs) I have dedicated an unreasonable amount of my time to listening and collecting music (and as a result hating apple, but that's a different story). Before when ever I listened to it I was always in awe to the emotion in the music and thought about how (for the lack of a better phrasing) x-rated so many of the songs were. To get just an idea of this I recommend watching the video for low. In fact I nearly felt uncomfortable listening to this album when other people could hear it because I thought it was some beautifully perverse thing. After listening to it tonight, I realise now that it's not that at all.
Don't get me wrong I still think it's a fantastic album, the songs, the music and lyrics I think have held up over the years (can hardly say 'aged well' when the album is only ten years old), but I didn't respond to it the same way. For one thing I wasn't uncomfortable about listening to it in as public a place as the library, ok granted it was on earphones so that might have made a difference I guess. But for me, it didn't create a knot in my stomach or even make me smile (here is where it gets really difficult to explain, so imagine yourself when you experience your favourite piece of art/watch your favourite film/read your favourite poem etc.) it just didn't conjure up the same feelings as it used.
So I wonder what this means. Have my tastes changed that much or am I so far removed from my fifteen year old self that I just can't appreciate the same things? I get that I'm being way too metaphysical about this, and its probably just changing tastes, and that at the end of the day it's just an album but I liked my fifteen year old self and I liked the things that I was into (for the most part I'm still into all of that stuff, or at least I thought so anyway).
So, in which case, what is my favourite album now? And really what does it matter, in six years time it'll be something else and that won't always be my favourite album after a while either. Well the answer is I don't know and that that's not even a pressing question. The real question should be can I really define my myself by either defining my favourite things or by not being able define them at all. I mean if I told you my favourite movie is Dog Day Afternoon followed by Dog Soldiers (neither movie is about dogs) or that my favourite book is Alice in Wonderland or that my favourite painting is Manet's Bar at the Folies-Bergere, you would probably get a fairly good picture of me. Throw into the mix some favourite songs (Times Like These, Duality, Raglan Road, Disarm, Aerials) and a favourite album or two (?) then you can probably piece together some understanding of me as person. But what if I lied and none of these things are my favourite anything, and if I go now and consume/experience them again I'll feel that way (like I said I'm being way too metaphysical about this).
All in all I guess I'm just afraid of losing a sense of myself, which has always been the case, but after spending the last few days learning more and more about the liberal and communitarian ideals of self (basically what makes a person the person they are. See above), and discovering that one of my ends (tastes/preferences that make you the person you are) is no longer so. I'm all confused about who I am, stupid politics leading me to have a very early-onset mid-life crisis!
Anyway, trying not to focus on the confusion this causes me I'm just going to think about the things I didn't like as a fifteen year old. Maybe I'll think there not so bad now. One example that springs to mind is Aeon Flux (MTV cartoon not the movie). I could never watch it when I was younger though I tried plenty of times, it was just far too sexual and (what I thought was) perverse for my fifteen year old self to handle. I mean, it looked like she was being censored by the FCC the whole time as Aeon's only clothes were strategically placed strips of black leather. Maybe if I watch it now I won't see it in the same light, will enjoy it and not wonder how are they allowed to show it before the watershed!? I should also try reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde again, for some reason I could never get through it before, and maybe I should even give, well there isn't anything else I can think of now that I didn't like as a fifteen year old that has stood the test of time, and even then both Aeon Flux and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are older than that.
The point in all this I suppose should be me coming to terms with change and not some identity crisis, and as a good enough excuse as any as watch old cartoons, read some classic lit and stay up late listening to music.
I guess to give it some context I should explain that I have always shared a bedroom with my younger sister, and how when she would have friends over they would sleep in the sitting room and I would stay up late hanging out in my room listening to this album on constant loop. I realise that I'm easily pleased and such an experience should not be so special or whatever. But to give it further context, I'll go on. At this time I would have been about fifteen and had insomnia (relatively mild in comparison to many other people, but had serious trouble sleeping anyway), so when I could be in my room at all hours, lights on and music playing (low but not with the need of headphones) doing stuff without bothering anyone, it was an incredibly nice experience. One always played out to the soundtrack of One by One. As such I guess I associate it with such fond memories of being alone and relaxed and not freaking out at five in the morning about not being able sleep and unable to hang posters or organise my wardrobe (I never said that I was doing exciting things).
Also it's a really great album. It's what made me decide that music would be a good vice to have, and although I've never come through on being musical (recorder, drums, guitar and even the harmonica were all write offs) I have dedicated an unreasonable amount of my time to listening and collecting music (and as a result hating apple, but that's a different story). Before when ever I listened to it I was always in awe to the emotion in the music and thought about how (for the lack of a better phrasing) x-rated so many of the songs were. To get just an idea of this I recommend watching the video for low. In fact I nearly felt uncomfortable listening to this album when other people could hear it because I thought it was some beautifully perverse thing. After listening to it tonight, I realise now that it's not that at all.
Don't get me wrong I still think it's a fantastic album, the songs, the music and lyrics I think have held up over the years (can hardly say 'aged well' when the album is only ten years old), but I didn't respond to it the same way. For one thing I wasn't uncomfortable about listening to it in as public a place as the library, ok granted it was on earphones so that might have made a difference I guess. But for me, it didn't create a knot in my stomach or even make me smile (here is where it gets really difficult to explain, so imagine yourself when you experience your favourite piece of art/watch your favourite film/read your favourite poem etc.) it just didn't conjure up the same feelings as it used.
So I wonder what this means. Have my tastes changed that much or am I so far removed from my fifteen year old self that I just can't appreciate the same things? I get that I'm being way too metaphysical about this, and its probably just changing tastes, and that at the end of the day it's just an album but I liked my fifteen year old self and I liked the things that I was into (for the most part I'm still into all of that stuff, or at least I thought so anyway).
So, in which case, what is my favourite album now? And really what does it matter, in six years time it'll be something else and that won't always be my favourite album after a while either. Well the answer is I don't know and that that's not even a pressing question. The real question should be can I really define my myself by either defining my favourite things or by not being able define them at all. I mean if I told you my favourite movie is Dog Day Afternoon followed by Dog Soldiers (neither movie is about dogs) or that my favourite book is Alice in Wonderland or that my favourite painting is Manet's Bar at the Folies-Bergere, you would probably get a fairly good picture of me. Throw into the mix some favourite songs (Times Like These, Duality, Raglan Road, Disarm, Aerials) and a favourite album or two (?) then you can probably piece together some understanding of me as person. But what if I lied and none of these things are my favourite anything, and if I go now and consume/experience them again I'll feel that way (like I said I'm being way too metaphysical about this).
All in all I guess I'm just afraid of losing a sense of myself, which has always been the case, but after spending the last few days learning more and more about the liberal and communitarian ideals of self (basically what makes a person the person they are. See above), and discovering that one of my ends (tastes/preferences that make you the person you are) is no longer so. I'm all confused about who I am, stupid politics leading me to have a very early-onset mid-life crisis!
Anyway, trying not to focus on the confusion this causes me I'm just going to think about the things I didn't like as a fifteen year old. Maybe I'll think there not so bad now. One example that springs to mind is Aeon Flux (MTV cartoon not the movie). I could never watch it when I was younger though I tried plenty of times, it was just far too sexual and (what I thought was) perverse for my fifteen year old self to handle. I mean, it looked like she was being censored by the FCC the whole time as Aeon's only clothes were strategically placed strips of black leather. Maybe if I watch it now I won't see it in the same light, will enjoy it and not wonder how are they allowed to show it before the watershed!? I should also try reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde again, for some reason I could never get through it before, and maybe I should even give, well there isn't anything else I can think of now that I didn't like as a fifteen year old that has stood the test of time, and even then both Aeon Flux and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are older than that.
The point in all this I suppose should be me coming to terms with change and not some identity crisis, and as a good enough excuse as any as watch old cartoons, read some classic lit and stay up late listening to music.
